You’re Not „EMOtional;“ You’re Worthless
What is EMO? If you ask an emo kid, they’ll give you a long spiel about individuality and being emotional (which are two completely opposite concepts– more on that later). If you ask me, it’s an adjective synonymous with worthless.
There is very little information about the emo trend; the existing information is inconsistent at best. Here are the known facts about the emo „culture:“
- Emo kids are nonconformists who shop at a store called Hot Topic and look alike.
While some people may believe this to be hypocrisy, emo kids can’t grasp this concept. They just say, „Well only the poseurs shop at Hot Topic“ and dismiss the issue lest they let reason eat away at their sheltered yet „tortured“ existence.
- The goal of every emo kid is to render gender appearances ambiguous.
The eventual goal of an emo is to have feminine guys with long hair and masculine girls with short hair.
- Each and every emo kid is „bisexual.“
No exceptions. Occasionally one will go as far as to claim to be „gay“ to look cooler in the inner circles of emo subculture, but that usually results in hours of crying from their peers to try to out-do them.
- Emo kids must all listen to the same music while being nonconformist.
But that’s fine. You have a wide variety of bands to choose from: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, and Tearwave. Pick your poison.
- Emo kids love to sulk at parties in order to garner pity and attention while brooding and seeming dark and mysterious.
Not unlike goths, only goths hate others while emos hate themselves.
- The more you cut yourself, the more sex you will get.
Unfortunately most of it will probably be gay sex and involve an hour of crying… though that shouldn’t bother you, emo kid.
- The more you cry, the more popular you’ll be.
Contrary to the rest of society, emo kids think it’s „totally cool“ to have someone cry about every little insignificant thing in their life.
The most aggravating aspect of the subculture is the emphasis on being emotional. Did you drop a coin on the ground in your living room? Did someone say something mean about you? It’s alright, emo kids. Just cry about it, and it will all go away.
Being emotional doesn’t get you anywhere in life. Hitler once said, „Reason can treacherously deceive a man, emotion is sure and never leaves him.“ How many Nazis were independent thinkers? Letting your emotions dictate your actions is contrary to the number one ideology of emo: Being nonconformist.
That isn’t just directed at emo kids… it’s also directed at hopeless romantics, women, wanna-be gangstas, and the entirety of pop culture’s glorification. One can live a happy life without allowing their emotions control over their decisions. A sense of morality and the ability to reason is a better, more reliable tool for decision-making than emotion, religion, tradition, or all of the above.
Conversely, acting on emotions will do nothing but get you into trouble. How much logic do you think goes into most manslaughters? Or cases of rape? One’s inability to control one’s emotions is the first sign of weakness. A weak mind is a danger to the people around it and a group of weak-minded fools (also known as a gang) is a danger to society as a whole. How many suicide bombers have a strong sense of individuality and their own beliefs?
Following that logic, the emo trend is a threat to society as a whole. I recommend we just give the razor blades away and then convince emo band members to go through with their suicides so that the emo kids will follow suit.
Or, if you want a more „humane“ plan, distribute assisted suicide documents across the country. The next time an emo kid tells his mom that he wishes he were dead, she can fulfill his wish. I will happily provide assistance to the parents of whiny emo kids who wish to „end it all.“
Which ever course of action you choose to take should be met with little-to-no resistance. After all, they’d rather sit around bawling their eyes out than stand up for their beliefs. Emo kids, therefore, rank somewhere near feminists on the scale of manliness.
If you’re emo and you’re reading this, consider the following:
- Nobody is impressed. If anything, they’re ashamed of you.
- Ten years down the line, you WILL regret the piercings, tattoos, and ruining your High School memories with your nauseating bullshit.
- No amount of whining can change those facts. The only way to change them is to not be emo.
- There are no „true Emos.“ You may be convinced that you’re better than the „poseurs,“ but you’re not. I guarantee it.
- Anyone can write poetry. Observe:
Your shrieks of anguish pierce our ears
At life, you are failing
I shall give reason for your tears
If you’re still convinced of your emo ways, please state what you think of Fall Out Boy’s latest „hit single“ in the subject line of your hate emails so I can filter through them more quickly.